The 5 Most Useless Survival Skills You’ll Never Need (Unless You’re Camping in a Fancy Arboretum)

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1. Identifying 50 Types of Moss 🌿

The Myth: You’ve got a moss manual and a magnifying glass, determined to learn all 50 shades of green. Knowing your mosses might make you look like a botanical genius on Instagram, but when you’re starving and lost, moss will only confirm your location: stuck in a mossy forest.

Do This Instead: Learn Basic Plant Identification for Edible Plants
Focus on edible and medicinal plants, not moss varieties. Knowing which plants you can eat or use for first aid could save your life. Familiarize yourself with universal edibility tests, and memorize a handful of edible regional plants. Knowing the difference between a tasty root and deadly nightshade will serve you much better than a moss lexicon.

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2. Perfecting Your Knot-Tying for Every Situation 🧵

The Myth: You’ve memorized 20 different knots with obscure names, from the monkey’s fist to the alpine butterfly. Well done, sailor! But unless you’re rigging a sailboat, tying yourself to a tree, or making friendship bracelets in the forest, you’re probably not going to need a rope museum in your head.

Do This Instead: Master the Bowline and Clove Hitch
For survival, you only need a couple of reliable knots. The bowline is excellent for creating fixed loops, and the clove hitch works for securing objects. These two will actually help when fastening a shelter, hanging food, or tying something in an emergency. Keep it simple. You’re not auditioning for Deadliest Catch.

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3. Making Fire with a Friction Bow 🔥

The Myth: Ah, the old “rub two sticks together” technique that Hollywood loves to show off. You’ll sweat buckets over a spindle and bow for hours, maybe get a spark, and probably smell like burnt failure. While you’re playing caveman, your hypothermia is getting a head start.

Do This Instead: Pack a Ferro Rod and Learn to Use It
A ferrocerium rod is lightweight, easy to use, and will reliably throw a spark, rain or shine. Pair it with some cotton balls coated in petroleum jelly for tinder, and you’ve got fire-starting on lock. Learning to use this gear in various conditions will keep you much warmer than any fancy friction method.

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4. Tracking Animal Prints (as if You’re Not the Prey) 🐾

The Myth: You’ve memorized the prints of every animal known to man and are convinced that reading paw prints in the mud will help you survive. But if you’re tracking a bear, spoiler alert—you might find it, and it won’t be for tea and biscuits.

Do This Instead: Master Awareness and Stealth
Real wilderness survival is about staying alert, observing your surroundings, and knowing when to keep quiet. Be aware of animal signs like scat, sounds, and smells to know if you're encroaching on another creature’s territory. Focus on staying out of their path entirely—especially when their claws could use you as an afternoon snack.

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5. Reading the Stars for Navigation 🌌

The Myth: You’re ready to survive the next apocalypse by…astronomy? Unless you’re training for the Night’s Watch or hosting a survivalist stargazing event, navigating by stars is about as practical as waiting for a unicorn to lead you home.

Do This Instead: Learn to Use a Map and Compass (or GPS)
A map and compass (or a charged GPS) is far more useful in actual survival situations. Understanding how to use them effectively could mean the difference between finding your way home or wandering until you’re best friends with the local coyote pack. Leave the constellations to astrologers.

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Bonus: Where to Actually Read Useful Stuff 📚

If you’re serious about survival, skip the moss and star charts and dive into these sites:

• The Manual – They cover everything from men’s gear to survival topics and often accept high-quality guest contributions.

• Outdoor Life – Dedicated to hunting, fishing, and outdoor survival tips.

• Gear Patrol – Known for gear and lifestyle articles, they welcome guest posts in outdoor and survival gear.

• AllOutdoor – A site dedicated to outdoor activities, firearms, knives, and adventure.

Conclusion: Share If You Want Your Friends to Avoid an Arboretum Survivalist Nightmare 😜

Think you’re a survivalist genius because you know moss varieties or star patterns? Let’s get real—these “skills” might impress your friends at a barbecue, but in the wild, they’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. The actual survival essentials are way less glamorous but way more likely to keep you alive.

Liked this snarky guide? Share it. Spread the word. Maybe your buddy with the handmade bow drill kit could use a reality check too. Or just share for the pure joy of setting the world straight on what survival actually requires.