Funny Hunting Mistakes: A Satirical Guide on How Not to Hunt

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Step 1: Forget Every Survival Skill and Hunting Tip You’ve Ever Heard

Most how-to hunt guides will have you sweating over “wilderness survival skills” and tips on “hunting gear essentials.” But we say skip it all. If you’re after the best hunting stories without any real encounters, this is how you do it. Forget the hunting knife—ditch that finely crafted W2 high-carbon steel blade, leave the Damascus pattern beauties at home, and carry on with nothing but a plastic spork. Who needs survival gear or a hunting knife with edge retention and durability when you can confidently brandish your spork?

Step 2: Ignore All Hunting Gear Essentials—Camo Is for the Birds

So-called “essential hunting gear” lists are overflowing with advice on high-contrast camo patterns, scent control spray, and “top hunting knives for field dressing.” Bah! For this hunt, suit up in neon orange, preferably reflective, and skip the best scent control tips altogether. Deer, elk, hogs, and all manner of wildlife deserve to know you’re coming from a mile away, and by golly, we’ll give them that chance. Consider it giving the game animals a fair shot.

Step 3: Stomp Loudly and Carry the Wrong Equipment

There’s a reason your old uncle swears by stealthy hunting, like he’s some wild beast whisperer. But not you, oh noble anti-hunter. March forth with purpose! Every twig-crunch, every branch-snap will let those wild boar, whitetail deer, and coyote know you mean business. And don’t forget to loudly lament the lack of any small game or big game in your path—preferably as close to the campsite as possible, so you can get sympathy without having left camp.

Step 4: Pretend You Don’t Know What a Hunting License Is

Hunting license? What’s that? There’s nothing quite like wandering the public hunting land or game management areas looking lost, hoping the game warden just assumes you’re “scouting.” After all, you’re not out here to actually harvest anything—no, no, you’re “one with nature,” simply “observing wildlife.” If anyone asks, nod sagely and speak vaguely about “natural conservation,” then quickly change the subject. We’re not here for details.

Step 5: Skip the Deer Stands and Game Trails—Who Needs the Best Hunting Spots?

When you hear hunters chatting about “the best hunting spots” or tips on tracking animals down their favorite game trails, know that this nonsense isn’t for you. Deer stands? Blinds? A well-chosen ambush? Pah. Choose the path of most resistance: weave through thorny thickets, splash through streams, and ensure your scent travels on every gust. Wild animals have a way of picking up the scent of human presence, so why not help them out?

Step 6: Embrace Campfire Complain-Fests (Or Get Lost in Hunting Gear Talk)

A good hunt isn’t complete without sitting at the hunting campsite to complain about every single bit of hunting gear you forgot. Grumble about the rifle you left, the knife you didn’t sharpen, and that top-tier Damascus knife with a drop point you were going to use. Loudly declare that, had you only remembered these things, you’d surely have bagged the biggest buck in the county. This step is key to establishing your status as the “hunter with the most potential.”

Step 7: Make a Grand Exit—Preferably with Nothing to Show for It

As you strut back from the hunting grounds, make sure to carry yourself like a hero, as if your imaginary “close encounter” with the biggest bull elk or feral hog is fresh in your mind. And, of course, when asked about your trophy, recount the hunting season tale as if you had those wild animals right in your crosshairs. Mention how “next time” you’ll come prepared, with “the best knife for hunting,” your “favorite scent control spray,” and your top gear picks, all ready to go.